I met the friendliest cop last night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
not ubering you a puppy
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