She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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