I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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