what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
