break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
