there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
