and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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