I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
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all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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