There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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