The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
