There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
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Semen is not good for contacts.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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