i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
