I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
