he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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