Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I did not marry a roomba.
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