I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
