was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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