I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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