Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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