she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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