whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
