Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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