My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
