Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
