Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
