she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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