I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
