if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
