Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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