I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
