Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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