Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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