I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
