I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
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I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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