How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
