Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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