What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
