Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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