She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
