my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
