I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
