Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
