This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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