If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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