the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
