You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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