Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
