homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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