i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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