oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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