I think my fart just growled at me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
