good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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