my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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