Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
