At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
ttyl tear gas
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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