Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
