You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
