I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
